Cool it

My biggest struggle in life since I was a kid, has been controlling my temper. Not like I go crazy and beat people or anything, but easy things set me off and I yell or say snappy remarks. I’ve always known this, and have struggled all my life trying to tell myself to “let it go” or take the deep breaths to prevent saying something mean. I’m fairly certain I’ve received this lucky gene from my mother.

As a kid, you never wanted to poke the bear. And you would do whatever you could to not set her off. If the dog peed on the carpet, it was your fault and she would blow up at you. You dropped a dish while doing dishes, you were yelled at. Watching her interactions with my stepdad are breath taking because she snaps so easily at nothing and makes a fight happen before anyone can realize what’s going on. My mother and I have an odd relationship. We are great at a distance and seeing each other every other week or an occasional phone call, but if there are too many family occasions that require us to spend more time together, it’s bad news. We both snap so easily at each other. For no reason at all. I thought by now, us both being grown ups it would have ended. But no. We both have that gene.

The worst part of it, is I’m aware of it. I’m trying so hard to stop it. Especially since we want to go into the ministry, and I certainly can’t be this easily irritated and “at peace” that we preach about. I’m not a hypocrite and I don’t want to be. I’ve been listening to so many sermons, lessons, praying, studying, just trying anything to stop this behavior. But then that moment comes, I find myself snapping in a voice raised higher than necessary remark because my husband didn’t take the direction I wanted, or I got cut off in traffic, or I just got done mopping the all tile floor in our house and one of the kids decides to throw their sippy cup and it splashes milk all over my clean floor. I’m so exhausted with my own behavior and I feel at a lost like I’m out of control of my own emotions. Does this make me one step closer to insanity? How do you stop the gene that has forever been in your family? My husband apologizes for me, saying I have been exposed to this behavior my whole life through my mother, and so I just need to learn how to operate a different way.

I love my husband. How could even try to excuse my irrationalities?! He must really love me to show me that unconditional love. Even when I’m being a total grouch, he still will want to be around me. I don’t even want to be around me and he does. I will never understand that. When I’m upset, I want to be alone. If someone has hurt me, said something mean, I want to be alone. But he just wants to be with me. It’s weird.

Another scary thing. A big fear of mine. Is that I already see this being passed into my son. He’s easily set off, flips out if it doesn’t go his way, and I just see me. I’ve got to conquer this, so he can never have to deal with this challenge later. People say your children are a reflection of you. I should be a reflection of God. And in turn, my kid should be an even better reflection.

Another parent fail.

How can I stop these moments? And recreate the ones that have happened with new ones? I don’t want to be a ticking time bomb.

I can stop it. I just need to know how.