Before you judge this by the first paragraph or the title and click that X on your tab thinking “this is some narrow minded Christian trying to push her beliefs on us” Because that’s not it. I’m going to share my point of view, what I believe is a great one as of a matter of fact from a person that didn’t wait. And by wait, I mean abstain. Yes, that’s where I’m going. Saving yourself for marriage. You know, that uncommon concept that only a few handful of people practice nowadays and usually get mocked for it. Which is quite ridiculous that this is the world we live in now. Where people who try hard to make good choices and stay pure are labeled as lame, goody goody, Bible thumper, prude, etc. But it’s apparently cool to sleep around, and be rude to others around you. Yes, we have all become that cold. But that’s another topic for another day.
Anyways, back to my topic. Never too late to wait. For those of you that have abstained, haven’t given it up, are staying true and through with saving yourself for marriage, I applaud you. Seriously. I’ll give you a standing ovation. Because I’m not going to sugar coat it. It’s HARD. It’s the easiest temptation to slip up on and with how the media makes sex look so easy, and fun, and casual, it’s so easy to not think of sex as something with meaning. I only wish I had been that strong.
I didn’t grow up in a household telling me the significance of waiting. My parents got pregnant in high school, and I think that may have been the reason why they never really pushed us on waiting. The most I was told to wait, was to wait til I was in love. But how many of us really know what love is? Especially as a teenager, we think everything is love! Very vague instruction right there. So that’s what I grew up thinking, that when you “love” someone you can do that with them. Never was I told how intimate it is, how it will leave you feeling, God’s true purpose for sex, that you give a piece of you away to that person you share it with. I would have liked to have known this well beforehand. But I’m not going to blame my parents for my own actions. I could have done it different, especially after accepting Jesus into my life, I could have made different choices. But I didn’t.
I didn’t even realize the damage I was doing to myself, or to my future husband, until I hit rock bottom and then met my husband. I always jokingly call myself the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Honestly, it’s a true act of God that my husband chose me. He waited his whole life, for me. He had the strength to reject any temptation for 25 years, to save himself for me, to be able to give me a wonderful gift, that I was unable to give to him. But he taught me so much by giving me this gift. A special gift that I could never give to him.
First, let’s stop and ask ourselves, why do we have sex outside of marriage? A lot of answers are because I love him/her, because it’s fun, because it’s just sex/not a big deal, because it’s a way to express how I feel about my bf/gf/partner/whatever….etc. So then let me ask another question, what would change if you didn’t? If you stopped? Would your feelings change? Would you not be able to have fun together anymore? How else could you express how you feel? What do you really lose by NOT doing it? Let me tell you…it won’t kill you. In fact, if it’s a good enough relationship, it will make it even better. Because instead of spending your alone time doing …that, you will spend your alone time, actually spending time together. I learned this from my husband. We both got to know each other so well personally, that it made the whole getting married to know each other physically so much more exciting! I come from a lot of relationships where I was cheated on, used, mistreated, so I was constantly in fear of being cheated on, left behind, not ever being good enough, but I can tell you that in my relationship with my husband, never once have I had even a single moment of fear or doubt about his commitment to me. I’m 100% confident in knowing he would never hurt me or leave me and I believe that comes from how much we invested in each other before getting married and before doing that. It’s such a a wonderful feeling.
After doing some research of the CDC site on 3% of Americans wait til marriage and apparently 47% of high school students and 91% of 19 year olds are doing it. It doesn’t really change for church goers either, because 20% of church members reported that they successfully saved themselves for marriage. This means that as a church we aren’t doing our jobs of teaching others the true meaning of sex and what God’s original purpose is. Even for a non-believer, sex shouldn’t be taught to not be taken so lightly. Think of it this way, if you are having sex with someone you don’t plan on marrying, you are taking something intimate away from someone else’s future spouse. You are seeing them at such an intimate moment, they’ve seen parts of you that you should be ashamed of others seeing. It’s like making a private video of yourself and that person can always play it in their head. When you get married if you aren’t already, wouldn’t you want to think of your partner as pure and innocent? That they waited their whole life for you and never felt for someone the way they feel for you? What is one way you could express how you deep you love your spouse, and that this is truly the most love you have ever felt, other than saving that special gift for them?
Regret. How many of us regret who/when/how many/etc with sex? This statistic is based on teenagers but it goes to show just how many of us feel this way.
63% of sexually active teens regret having had sex
55% of the boys wished they saved themselves
72% of girls regret ever having it
Not only that but 26% of teenagers who have had sex report feelings of depression.
If sex is really no big deal, then why would we have so many regrets about it? Why do we still feel wrong when we do it outside of marriage?
I didn’t wait. I’m not proud of it. Even though my slate has been “wiped clean” with forgiveness by God, this doesn’t erase the memories. I could just be driving my kids to the store and a flashback pops in my head and I feel nothing but shame and regret. You can’t escape from that. Or even worse, the disappointing talk you have with your soon to be fiance when he asks about your past. Here he was, my perfect idea of a man and a partner, who loved me so much and spent 25 years of his life not even kissing a woman, fighting the temptation, asking me what the questions that I was so scared to answer. How do you tell someone who has a strong belief on purity til marriage that you failed to wait not just once, but many times? The look on his face when he got his answer, was enough for me to wish I would have waited too.
I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t a piece of cake after that. He had to come to peace with my previous actions, and I had to be patient with him overcoming this. He had always planned on being with a woman that was a God fearing woman that on their wedding night would share their first time together. I not only robbed him of his dream, but I let others take something so important from my husband. He still chose me. I was not what he was looking for, but his love for me, is a true example of Christ’s love. He knew I wasn’t the same person I once was. It was just like the story from John 8:11 of the woman caught in a sexual act and they brought her to Jesus and said she should be stoned for these bad deeds. Jesus said “He who is without sin cast the first stone” and everyone walked away. Then he told the woman “Go and sin no more”. I can relate to that woman so much. I was scared and ready for my husband to throw stones at me when he learned of my past, but he didn’t. He didn’t even try to dump me. He forgave me and loved me through it. Like I said, it was truly an act of God that my husband married me. So we waited til marriage and boy was that hard.
Believe me, it’s hard already if you don’t know what you’re missing, but for someone who isn’t a virgin and decides to abstain with their fiance til marriage, it is a true struggle. The temptation and the urge is there. Especially when you had already thought that sex was a way to show someone how you feel about them. It was hard. I had used that act for security in the past, and here I had to struggle with finding security and love in Jesus in order to trust my husband. It was hard. And you cannot be alone with someone you are dating. You can be alone like go to a movie and on dates, but being alone where temptation can get the best of you, you just can’t. Cause it’s too hard to stop. Especially when you know what you’re missing out on.
But when you wait. And you finally get to that wedding night. And you know that this is your forever, I cannot even express enough how the level of intimacy and security and love was felt in that experience. Sex before marriage is nothing but sex. It is meaningless. It’s just that. It won’t fulfill you, it won’t do anything but give you temporary high, but it will go away. You will always feel some sort of wrongness or dirty doing it. But sex in your marriage, you don’t have to hide it. It’s joyful, beautiful, and brings you so much closer together.
My husband always said that sex is actually the world’s best high. Because even when people are “high” on drugs or drunk from alcohol, they still want to reach that level of “high” with adding sex to it. He’s so very right. But it doesn’t mean it should be used lightly. God knows sex is good. He created it that way. He made it fun. But He made it for a purpose. He specifically commands us to only have sex in marriage. That’s his purpose. And there is a reason, because if I’ve learned anything, it’s sex is meaningless any other way.
1 Cor 6:18-20 “Flee from sexual immortality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”