April 30th was a one year anniversary of the start of the biggest trial of our lives. The news we received that day was so dark, so absurd, and shattering. It’s been one year and our lives are forever changed and so different now. Betrayal was a word that I thought I was familiar with due to my failed relationships in the past, but this betrayal was a hurt far worst than life could have prepared my husband and I for.
Hope. I thought I truly understood this word, I was a Christian by all means. But man did this year really teach me that word. A few months after this trial started, I began to feel rejection and hopeless, it was by no accident God lead me to a bible study from Amy Groeschel called The Hope. The first thing she asked is what does Hope mean? The definition is a confident expectation of something to happen that we desire. But she had us focus on the word confident. I wasn’t feeling confident in my expectations. I was allowing the hurts and pains of my trial to block the confidence I had in my Lord in Savior.
Your faith can not be in people. They will hurt you. They will disappoint you. They will betray you. They will abandon you. They will lie to you. Your faith and hope can only be in your Heavenly Father. He is without sin. We are filled with sin in everything we do. I could only trust Him. Trust that this awful thing was not from Him but was because of a sinful person who brought harm to our family. A person trapped in their sins. Only God could restore us. Hope. I had to have a confident expectation that God would bring us through this trial and have a beautiful purpose for this in our testimony down the road.
Now that was not easy. It took months of brokenness, tears, feeling unloved and just sadness before i got it. I prayed for hope, prayed for joy, prayed for restoration. It just happened. One day I knew this trial didn’t define us. It still hurts, it’s still rough, but I had hope. A beautiful friend reminded me “right now you can only see what’s happening now, but you’re on the edge of the picture frame and can’t see the whole picture yet, but God does.” They were right. Just like what God had to remind Jeremiah. ““Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel.” Jeremiah 18:2-4, 6 NIV
So I used to write poetry all the time about everything I was feeling. And I wrote one about this trial.
The good memories will forever be shaded by the horrors of what you did to my children
Betrayal is this bitter taste that cannot escape my mouth
The thoughts of your actions haunt and prey on all my joyous moments
I am held captive at the hand of your sickness, trapped in visions of your betrayal
You walk freely, putting on a show for the world around you
While we will forever be picking up the pieces of the mess you made
Your sick perversions and twisted life will come to fruition for the world to see
Your worst nightmare will become an endless reality with no escape
Forever our family will carry the pains inflicted on us from your demons
Justice is the only victory to come from this
But the wounds will still need healing
Thoughts will still be battled
The memories will always remain
But we still have hope
Hope is all we can grasp on to
Hope is what keeps up going
Hope and prayer. Those are my two best friends and two most powerful tools one can have when facing life’s circumstances. With hope and prayer, it strengthens our faith in God, our relationship with Him, and empowers you to fight the battles in life.